this is me

calibaby @ 2005-01-09T23:18:00

2005-01-10T07:28:09Z

so im kind of nervous...i dont know whats going on in my head. i think im just scared of being alone and i need to find someone to comfort me. i hate it...cause then you're one of those people that cant make up their mind. but i did soo good for a while...and its back to how it used to be. i just fall into it really fast. i find someone and all of a sudden thats it. i try...i get nervous...i get shy...but then it doesnt work out. i had fun...but drunken night? and then theres just so much i see in so many other people i just wonder what to do. i feel as though i need someone but i know that no one needs anyone. its what you want. but damn it...make up your mind. or most of all...move on? sometimes i wish i didnt have the life i did because there are so many things that factor out into my actions. but at the same time, i learn from them all. but i learn too late. how can someone feel so alone? im not. how can someone have such a blindfold across their eyes and not have a clue what is going on. it amazes me. or at least know whats going on, but afraid to guess because you are still behind a blindfold. understand at all? if not...whatever...just rambling cause i have nothing better to do. no one to talk to. but i do. why do we get so down in the dumps? how do we get that way and not even know why we are that way? thats what is the worst. not knowing how to correct it cause you dont even know what to correct. gosh...i wish i knew. i wish i knew. is there something? or is there not? im scared for tomorrow to come. scared that i got my hopes up. scared it was all just fun...even though it was. now that ive stopped to think about it...i cant stop. i cant stop picturing. so ill stop writing so i can go to sleep and forget about it. go to sleep so tomorrow can come and i can maybe...just maybe...figure it ouT?

im so lost

2004-12-29T05:28:25Z

im so terrified right now. i dont know what to do. just a few months ago i was looking forward to everything after high school and it all got wiped away in a matter of minutes. i have no plans for myself and im scared that i need someone there to motivate me. someone to get me through it all cause i cant help myself. i had the next 9 years of my life planned out and now i have nothing. no clue whatsoever. im so scared of life. and not even that, but i dont know what i want right now. im moving on but in a way im scared i'll never be able to move on. i love what i have/dont have/working on, but at the same time i feel like something is missing. something is not right. that its not fair. and i want what i had but i'll never have it again. i need to wake up from this dream that keeps haunting me cause im not getting anywhere with it. im looking forward to everything thats not there. that'll never be there. all because i cant get out. someone please...wake me up. wake me up to this nightmare of reality. i need to get used to it. i need to figure out what it is. things were going good cause i was hiding from it all. or did it just come back to haunt me? i dont know. i'll never know. but this ghost wont go away and it wont stop hurting me. i dont know what to do and im scared that even though i have dreams that i can make come true, i wont. and ill just be a bum working somewhere i dont want to work all because i cant help myself. i cant inspire myself to work hard on a dream. how pathetic am i? how long will i be alone? how long will i cry? can one night go by where these tears dont drown my pillow? one morning i wont wake up with swollen eyes? one day that i can look forward to graduating? one day where thinking about life will make me smile? please....come soon

im sorry you think im two faced...its possible to care about 2 people at once. there was nothing i said that made me that, but you look at it how you want to. im sorry that im trying to be friends. im sorry you were such a huge part of my life and i cant let that go as much as i try. no matter how much i want to hate you just to get you out, i cant. you're stuck in me forever. but for you...im already starting to fade....or have already been lost. you regret more what you dont do than what you do do. one day i'll be gone or 6 feet under ground, and you'll wish you told me what you had to say. and i wish i could tell you all that i have to say, but you dont even want to see my face. loving you hurts, but the 15 months i had was great. i told you one day she would make you happy that that you guys would be together, but you wouldnt believe me and you said you couldnt even imagine it. but look at you now, its as if we never even had something....something that kept both of us alive and sane.

marshall....

2004-12-23T00:43:34Z

i miss...

- saying BoBo
- sitting in the corners of the movies
- telling you to wear your seatbelt
- getting caught by cops
- bonnie and clyde
- listening to jack johnson
- those friday nights
- sneaking out
- lying to our parents
- kisses and nuneenuneenu
- making you listen to BoBo
- comparing our love
- talking about "what ifs"
- being so impatient for those days
- fighting over boys names
- picturing life
- getting in trouble for being on the phone
- going to jamba juice
- shopping for sunglasses every weekend
- seeing each other on valentines day even though we werent allowed
- looking into your eyes
- seeing that smile
- all of it

i miss it all marshall...i think about you. i knew that we would never be together again, but i finally realized it. everything we had is gone. all that is left is the memories that'll soon start to fade. i'll never forget....just dont forget either...and dont forget me

love kim

calibaby @ 2004-12-22T00:26:00

2004-12-22T08:12:41Z

As we grow up we learn that even the one person who wasn't supposed to hurt us probably will
You will get your heart broken more than once
And you'll break hearts too
So remember how it feels
You'll fight with your best friends
And lose friends you thought you'd have forever
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did
You'll cry sometimes
Because time is going by too fast
And you'll lose moments that you want to keep forever
So take too many pictures
Laugh too hard
And love like you've never been hurt
Because every moment you spend sad or upset
Is sixty seconds of happiness you can never get back...

lindsay ann whetstine

2004-12-16T06:25:32Z

you mean so much to everyone that you have around you. we all love you dearly and with your BIG HEART we can feel the love you give back. there's so much you've gone through but you're still hanging in there...still hanging strong. these past few months have been horrible and i cant believe that such an angel would have all of this happen to. but you're faith in God will bring you so far and He will bring you to better places. I will always be here for you...no matter where i am. i will always be by your side. it doesnt matter if we both go off to college far far away because all you have to do is dial a few numbers and you'll hear my voice. when times get tough and you cant handle it and you feel as no one is there for you, i will drop everything to show you that you mean the world to at least one person. theres no reason for you to feel down. bust out the video cameras and make some movies!! no matter where we go, we will meet again...we will be friends FOREVER! my kids will call you auntie(ya know...filipino style) lindsay...and yours will call me aunt sarah. like i said, maybe they'll fall in love....then we'll really be stuck with each other!! =D we have so many more rainy days to sit and talk and wait for boys(even though we shouldnt wait...we can just say we were hanging out...ya know). maybe i'll try and get one toe wet again...is that possible? we'll make it possible! NO...NO...STOP...COME BACK....ahhh. lindsay i love you. we have more feasts to eat at buca's...blindfolded again maybe? theres no one else id want to go scarve shopping with cause you're the best partner. and if anyone else had my scarves...i really wouldnt wear them, but i LOFF being twins with you. things are hard but you'll get through them...we'll get through them cause im here to be there along the way...the whole way. we'll battle this together and one day it'll be gone and neither of us will take anything for granted because we'll look back and see what we might have lost...but you cant lose something you work so hard on. girl we're tough. we'll fight so hard that it'll give up and it'll be gone. we're never going to lose each other...we're going to grow old together and our spirits will live on forever. you mean so much to me...and not only me but kenny, your parents, chelsea, kimmie, nicole, and SO many more people that i cant even think. we're all here for you hunny.

you are going to LOVE my christmas present....it'll be a little late but it's all worth it!! it really is...and i might get kenny in on it but im not sure. we'll see. but you're mom has to be in on it too...=D so so excited!! loff you much

Still I Rise...

2004-12-14T07:05:59Z

You used to hit me hard

I never knew why

Then you’d scream and yell at me

If I started to cry

You’d put me down with all your words

They’d leave me so surprised

But with all your hate and pain

You never knew I’d rise

I looked up to you

You were my best friend

I never thought you’d break my heart

That piece will never mend

You hurt the family

With all of your lies

You’ve made me stronger

I know truth, I rise

I lied to you

You lied to me too

But what hurt the most

Were all those I love yous

You took my innocence

You’d look me in my eyes

I believed you

Now all I can do, is rise

You said you’d be there

There until the end

Now I can’t believe

We used to be best friends

You wouldn’t believe me

This wasn’t a disguise

I’m a new person

Unlike you, I can rise

I never hurt you

Always there by your side

But you left without a trace

Not even a goodbye

My biggest fear right now

Is that you’ve already died

Just give me one sign

Then I can rise

I gave you my heart

You told me you loved me

But that was a lie

Only now I can see

You meant to hurt me

Leaving me there when I cried

I’ll love you forever

For now, I will rise

You were my friend

I’d never hurt you

With the way that you’ve acted

I see you’re untrue

You’ve overreacted

Done things that weren’t wise

I’m moving on now

Look at me, I rise

With all that you’ve done

You’d never believe

I rise

With all the tears I’ve cried

I rise

With all the pain you’ve seen me bare

I rise

No matter how many times I’ve bled

Still I rise

I rise

to you...

2004-12-14T04:30:57Z

there's so much that i've been holding back. so much that needs to come out. it's not going to make sense because i'll go back and forth...you know me when i write. there are nights when i think about you, nights where i think about how i want to be with you. i think about how fate worked its magic to get us together. i promised to always remember that you love me, but i look back and all that has happened in the past and its hard. im being honest, it really is. i dont see how you could tell me you loved me when you knew that you were hurting me and you wouldnt stop. you said you loved me but you gave up on me. everytime you hurt me, youd leave. leave me there to cry and wonder why i didnt want to be here. i was there for you immediatly...but i had to wait. i gave you my world so you knew that you were special, knew that i loved you, knew that you meant something to someone. but i dont know what you gave me. it hurts that we're not even friends. someone you can love so much, someone you were BEST friends with, cant even be an acquaintance. i want to be there for you that day you get that packet from ASU and celebrate. and if not there, which it will be, but if not...celebrate for whatever else you get. i want to be able to turn to you if i cant turn anywhere else and know that you are there. and if not that much, just be able to call and "see how lifes going." if you're sick i want to say, i hope you get better soon, or if something goes wrong say something that'll fit that'll hopefully make you feel better. i know ive said it 2 or 3 times before, you've said things out of anger. i just cant believe you would say one thing to me and turn around and act on it. we're not strangers...we know all there is to know about each other. we have become two people that act like one. i want to be able to call you and laugh about things that we used to do together that no one else understood. i want to listen to those dodgeball stories. maybe that one day out of the week is the right way to go....im trying to believe that you did love me. but as i look back at it all, i see the good....but dwell on the bad. how could you have said it?

calibaby @ 2004-12-08T12:49:00

2004-12-08T21:12:49Z

You may not realize it but it's 100% true:
1. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes out of it.
10. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look again.
11. Always remember the compliments you've recieved. Forget about the rude remarks.
Think about these one at a time before you move on to the next one. Do they make you feel good?
1. Falling in love
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts
3. A hot shower
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer
11. Chocolate milkshakes (or vanilla or strawberry)
12. A bubble bath
13. Giggling
14. A good conversation
15. The beach
16. Finding a twenty dollar bill in your coat from last winter
17. Laughing at yourself
18. Midnight phone calls that last for hours
19. Running through sprinklers
20. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all
21. Having someone tell you that you are beautiful
22. Laughing at an inside joke
23. Friends
24. Accidentally hearing someone say something nice about you
25. Waking up realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep
26. Your first kiss
27. Makin new friends or spending time with old ones
28. Playing with a new puppy
29. Having someone play with your hair
30. Sweet dreams
31. Hot chocolate
32. Road trips with friends
33. Swinging on swings
34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger
35. Making chocolate chip cookies
36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies
37. Holding hands with someone you care about
38. Running into an old friend and realizing some things (good or bad) never change
39. Watching the expression on someones face as they open a much desired present from you
40. Watching the sunrise
41. Watching the sunset
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day
43. Knowing somebody misses you
44. Getting a hug from somebody you care about deeply
45. Knowing that you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think

wrong person first time around

2004-12-05T19:31:35Z

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I’m just rollin’ home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you

apologies

2004-12-01T07:15:59Z

im sorry to you...
im sorry to the world...
im sorry for the person that i am because trust me, i dont like it. i always believe that i'll change, and for a little i do, but go right back to where i was. im honest and i lose someone. i lie because i dont like my actions, and i lose someone. i am me, and i lose everyone. i can open up, but not all the way. im afraid of the way im seen. i wish i could really be myself when i see everyone, but i dont want you all to hate me. im just a mask. you say you hate fake people by the way they act or their actions or whatever....well im fake because im not myself. if you've seen me, then you actually left something on me. you are one of those that have left that footprint on my heart. ive never liked attention and thats honesty right there....but seeing the way that i have acted, im indirectly wanting it. i hate the sympathy, but indirectly i long for it. im sorry to all of you that ive put on that i want to kill myself...for the people i make feel bad for it....for the people that have had to deal with it. the reason i want to die is to be forgotten. you say deep down i know i wont be, but thats not true. there will be a day that will come and you wont remember me. thats what i want. forget who i was, forget what i put you through, forget it all. i complain about people running away from things, but thats all ive been thinking about. running away in two different ways, either way not saying goodbye. ive never said thank you to all of you...ive taken it all for granted. ive abused it instead of treating it all as it should have been treated. yet again, i dont like who i am. im so selfish but at the same time im not. ive put you all in front of me so that i could take care of you...so that i could be that person you turn to...so that i could give you those words you need to hear. just as much as you hate to see me cry, i hate to see you cry too. i love being that crazy girl just to make you smile...but now i cant. cant smile a real smile...cant be that girl. ive fallen in that stage again and its scaring me. im just giving up. i cant find anything...and im tired of this pain i put myself through, that i put everyone through, that ive brought along. im tired....
im sorry...

you were put here for a reason, you were put here to fight, you were put here to live your life to it's fullest, you were put here to, yes, get hurt along the way but somewhere you would find happiness in a person, most of all you were put here so I could find true friendship in a world where a friend meant so little
Sarah you will be ok just keep fighting and know that I'll be here always no matter where I am.......

Mike....without you i wouldnt be here. without you i wouldnt hold strong. thick and thin...always there...thanx

lets pray...

2004-11-11T17:36:09Z

have you ever found something you've wanted for so long but once you REALLY found it....it wasnt it? or you're pretty sure it's what you want because that's what you want to believe, but you're not sure and you're too scared to find out??

my mom came into my room this morning telling me she found my sister. surprisingly, she did what i've been trying to do but i was never able to. she went online, paid the ridiculous $19.95 to get 3 addresses to Sheri Cook. She came into my room telling me she found her and that i should call her. i didnt know what to say. i told her i wouldnt be able to and then she said to go visit her when my parents are in thailand. well....i cant wait that long and i have the day off. so i told her id go today. when she walked out of my room i started to cry...tears of happiness and tears of pain. i can picture myself going down there and her opening the door and everything is wonderful. i start to cry because i havent seen her for 2 years this month. havent heard a single word from her for 2 years this month. found out she was missing for 2 years this month. but at the same time i picture myself going up to a door that no one answers and i have to leave a note. then i walk up to a door, and it's a different Sheri. there's so much going through my head right now but i just pray to God that we found her. a huge weight will be lifted off of me knowing that she's alive and that she has a place to stay. she told me to take josh with me but i thought of it way before the words came out of her mouth. i called him and he's going to go. i know im going to cry really hard and i dont know if he'll handle it....but i need him there. i need him there to hold my hand. yes...im strong now, but that doesnt mean i dont need support. it wont get off my mind but just....AHH! new subject

we're going to play catch first because theres nothing else to do today. we went out to dinner with natalie and brad...tons of fun!! i love that natalie and i are getting closer. we were playing the newly wed game. josh and i were asked questions and we had to answer them for the other person. yeah...dont think i explained that right. well...he was asked what my favorite food was and he had to take a guess(even though i told him 2 days ago and he couldnt remember but then beat himself up about it when he finally got the answer). after that we went to go see saw, just me and him, and we saw brady and a couple other people. that movie is freaky. i missed a couple parts cause i fell asleep but i still got main things in. its so freaking twisted. go watch it if you havent. i locked my door last night so that no one could come into my room. freakin...i dont even know. i dont want to say things for people who havent seen it but hold shit. really. we had a long(not really long but 20 minutes?) talk afterwards about a lot of things but at the same time...it was the same thing. and yeah....he should be calling soon so that we can go play catch...i guess i need to be getting ready. i hope everyone has a good weekend, i'll probably be back on here cause he's going out of town. speaking of going out of town...he's going to othe desert with us for thanksgiving. so excited!!! =D yeah...thats it

bye bye for now

calibaby @ 2004-10-30T10:15:00

2004-10-30T17:11:07Z

im tired of these tears
that put me to sleep
every night
my pillow is drowning
more than me
i want to end my life
but "theres so much
to live for..."
i cant be happy
my heart wont stop breaking
and this pain has become
unbearable
take this brick off my heart
its too heavy to hold
i cant breathe
but maybe thats a good thing
cause i'll suffocate to death
instead of bleeding
and being my own fault

calibaby @ 2004-10-29T16:17:00

2004-10-29T23:16:45Z

what are you supposed to do when you...

...cant be happy
...want to die every day
...wake up hoping you'll smile, but go to sleep crying
...feel so alone
...want someone to love you
...want one person but they dont want you at all
...feel so out of place
...dont feel alive
...can only cry
...sleep with a knife
...lie and say nothing's wrong
...cant talk to anyone
...feel your heart breaking all day long
...cry so hard you cant breathe
...want to eat but one bite makes you sick
...want to open up but cant
...cant smile
...want to be alive but you're already dead

what are you supposed to do?
tell me please...

calibaby @ 2004-10-23T12:54:00

2004-10-23T19:54:43Z

i wish that i was strong
and that i could handle this better
i wish that i was strong
and maybe walk away
waiting to see if he'll come back
i wish i was strong
so that i wouldnt cry
every night into my pillow
i wish i was strong
and i would act on everything
i feel so strongly for
i wish that my skin
wasnt so strong
because when i cut across my wrist
all i want is blood
but i barely get a scratch
i wish that my skin
wasnt so strong
because by now
you would be crying as much as i do
but you would be happier
than i'll ever be

calibaby @ 2004-10-14T21:28:00

2004-10-15T04:34:19Z

LINDSAY WHETSTINE! I LOFF YOU SO VERY MUCH!
oh man...she went shopping with me and we had tons and tons of fun. brandi(a girl i work with) totally didnt have time to make lemonade so i wasnt able to get any for free gosh darn it! but i got 2 HOT DOGS(not corn dogs...if you want the explanation, i'll give it) for just 2 dollars. she gave me a discount and then also gave me her meal hot dog. yes yes. but anyways...if lindsay wasnt with me, then i wouldve had to pay $18.50 for just 1 scarf!! but it was buy one get one half off(which we didnt know) so it was just $29.90!!!!!!!!(aeropostale for all you that wanted to know) and they're taller than lindsay and 2 times taller than me. they keep you warm, and keep your chin warm if you wrap it around your chin. we got to talking and cha know. girl stuff. so good, so good.

there are 3 girls that are pissing me off right now which will stay un-named. argh, its so freaking annoying but im dealing with it. i dont know how much longer i can handle it though. maybe i should take lexapro....she said she gets less irratated.(Sp?) yeah yeah...whatev

ive been really tired lately but ive been sleeping a lot. how does that happen? i dont get it. ehh..yeah. i totally had something to say and i lost it cause i just IMed someone. man...short memory sux. it happens

thats about it. oh yeah, never told ya that i bought a jacket. well, i bought a jacket. yes yes. thats it. good night

calibaby @ 2004-10-10T22:19:00

2004-10-11T05:30:10Z

wow, been a long time i see. quite a long time.

well i can say i am officially a HDOS employee...for you somewhat slow people that is short for Hot Dog On a Stick! yeah, you wish you worked there, but im the cool one! i had my "audition" today and i mainly just made lemonade! lots of work being the stomper. haha...we're referred to as "Hotdoggers!" man i already love it! free lemonade all day, screaming out orders, and being sticky is just great! i guess i look like a jenny that goes to poway high, but i got that all cleared up. and yeah, thats about it

went to a wedding yesterday and conor came with me. it was fun but a LOT shorter than i thought it would be.

after the wedding we changed and tried to find the haunted trails but it took a while. lets just say we spent 1 1/2 hours driving. some of the time was taken up in the in-n-out drive thru but still....long time. we looked it up on mapquest thinking we were going to the right place, and we ended up in some ghetto neighborhood. he said it wasnt ghetto and it was no where near to it, but thats good enough for me and thats my ghetto. we finally found it after tons and tons of circles, waited in line behind a family that kept farting and finally got in. oh man, some people are just freaking hilarious. there was this couple in front of us cause the guy didnt mind going first but the girl was just scared shitless. HILARIOUS! i admit, i said some stupid things when i got scared but that was only one time and i dont even remember when. but really, the 3 little pigs were soo funny. the guy completely fell to the ground because he was scared to get by. but we were about to go into where they were and i turn around and that lady is pointing to him at the top(cause ya know how they stand up top to scare ya from up there??)and she just pointed saying~oOoh...ooOoh!! i figured out, you just gotta laugh at everything cause then they wont come at you. then you dont get scared. but seriously, the snorting of the pigs...i dont think i would be able to have that job cause i would laugh from having to snort.

umm....oh yeah. fat people need to stay on their own side when they're cheering for their team. no offense to anyone thats samoan(sp?) but these 2 fat bitches kept yelling(in their manly voices) YEAH O-SIDE! GO O-SIDE!! everytime we did a cheer. they really scared me. they thought it was funny, but it wasnt. yeah, and brittney(sp? again) munoz is a TRADER! i see her sitting on the oceanside side...wtf? yeah...uh huh...whatever.

i think thats all i have to say?

quick update

2004-09-20T04:23:05Z

went to the mall...got some sunglasses and turned in my application at hot dog on a stick. yeah, thats right. you wish you were cool like me. i have an interview on friday. found my homecoming dress too. its nice. i like it. my mom was too tired today to go and get it so we're going to go tomorrow and im going to show her the dresses i think she should get.

wemt to the beach yesterday...swam with some fish. conor didnt want to tell me cause he thought id get scared, but im not blind. i saw them, i just didnt think anything of it. if one of them touched me i wouldve flipped out but none of them did.

cheer sucked on friday. not fun. wont get into that, i'll get into that later.

my back hurts and im just waiting for it to stop!! argh, it wont. goshies. thats it

bye bye

calibaby @ 2004-09-05T10:09:00

2004-09-05T17:02:51Z

- 17 years of age
- female
- looking for a best friend (nothing more)
- good listening skills
- feedback
- actually wants to listen

anyone out there?

quick update thatll probably not be quick

2004-08-13T18:06:21Z

so my house is for sale....went up for sale yesterday and we're already having open house today and tomorrow. looks like they really want to get out of here huh? im actually stalling right now cause im supposed to be cleaning my room and bathroom so it looks nice and people will want to buy the house. i just want to go on some crazy rage and tear everything up so people will wonder what the fuck is wrong with us. like hang underwear from all the lamps...knock a couple chairs over....open up my parents drawers all funky and have a bunch of clothes hanging out....have a bunch of clothes hanging out of their closet so it looks like they threw it all over trying to find something to wear...and i dont know. any more ideas? how can they sit there and talk to me all excited and not see that i dont give a shit? not see that im extremely pissed off?? they've moved before to different houses...its nothing new to them. but ive been here my whole life.(with the exception of 3 years in korea) i came back to this very house because its mine. they dont look at it like i do. my dog is buried in my front yard...im not gonna go dig him up so that he can still be with us in ramona. we should stay here with him! theres too many things that mean so much to me in this house that i really dont want to give a shit about the other house. i really dont. my dad sat there and was talking to me and told me "how beautiful" the house is and i dont understand how he didnt see that I DONT CARE! how can they not see the anger now? they see it enough when im pissed off at them for normal things...but are they too wrapped up to see it now? or they see it but they dont give a shit cause what sarah thinks doesnt fucking matter? argh....next subject im getting heated and im going to cry.

ashley's boyfriend? exboyfriend? is an asshole. and that girl...yeah she's a slut!! dont worry...they'll get it back to them...hahahaha!! ashley and i have plans!! hahahahaha(wicked laugh)hahahahaha

i scheduled an appointment for my senior pictures!! now i just have to go shopping for my outfit...and thats on wednesday. and i have to get a haircut and thats on sunday at 2:30. i dont know how to smile small though and they'll probably tell me to not smile as big as i do. i cant help it...ive got a big smile. i look stupid when i try and make it small. and i have my cheer uniform to wear...and my letterman. ahh!! im sho excited. then i'll just have to schedule the one for outside whenever i feel like it....then they say in february is when they do the cap and gown pictures.

cheer is going good. im getting along with mandy(or at least this week). camp is next week and im kind of scared to go. my back is going to hurt a lot and if its hot like it was yesterday, im going to have a splitting headache the whole time. and im scared if i jump 1 too many times, my back will hurt and not go away. but...it'll be fun in the dorms. my roomate is ashley(who woulda thunk it?) cant wait for the dancing, ice cream, sneaking downstairs after hours, and just all the good stuff.

argh...i have to go see a therapist today. i dont get it....i have a psychiatrist but she wants me to go to her and to a therapist so the therapist can see whats wrong with me. i know one you talk to and the other you talk to and will give you medicine but i mean...really they're the same person. stop taking my money. gosh. i really dont want to go. its fucking stupid. for the longest time i always wanted someone to talk to and i thought thats what they would be, but really they just ask me a bunch of questions. oh so how's your family like...whats their background...you have a boyfriend....what about friends....hows school...what kind of grades do you get....hows your sleep...why is that....SHUT THE FUCK UP! gosh(i need anger management)

i dont want to clean....anyone want to adopt me for a year? i dont eat a lot so dont worry about food...im a real good houseguest...really i am. adopt me...please...=D

calibaby @ 2004-08-11T00:27:00

2004-08-11T07:51:41Z

I LOVE MARTINA MCBRIDE!

but let me tell you first about my baaaby!!
lets see....first of all, ive got the best boyfriend, sorry hunnys! i dont think that any of your boyfriends can top how sweet mine is and they might do things that make you think...man, i love him....but those things arent as good as what my boy does. i guess i shouldnt say it here and just explain in the summary of my night!!

well...i went to go pick him up and we headed towards the concert. it was such a hassle to find parking. and when we did i went to pay but the machines all the way across the parking lot dont accept cash! so lets go somewhere else...luckily i went towards the concert place and there was parking over there. by the way...i was being the normal freaking out person i am and luckily, he just dealt with it and it was all better. so we got inside, walked around to get some food and went to our 2nd row seats. i said it, 2nd row. she happened to be coming out on stage while we were right by our row and we had to hurry up and get to our seats. man...she's so pretty. i look up to her so much and i wish my songs will be as good as hers. i felt stupid cause i didnt know a song and conor did but hey...i caught on to the 2nd song. then the 4th song was my valentine and you were supposed to put your arms around the person you loved so she started to sing and i started crying my eyes out. i knew it would happen and i was just soo happy that i was going to cry, and then that song came on and the faucet was turned on. goshies. uhmm....then conor went up to get some food which made me really mad cause a song came on that i wanted him to be there for, but i sang it to him in the parking lot so its ok. then, we he came back she started to sing an upbeat song and people started to head towards the stage to dance and i wanted to and i thought conor told me to go by myself and i didnt want to so we didnt then after the song i asked to go and he did. man....if we went at the time he said, i couldve shaken her hand. but anyways...this one girl was on her dad's shoulders and martina had her come onstage...then all of a sudden there were like 9 little girls under 10 onstage. martina was like~ive lost control of the concert but I LOVE IT! so those girls got to sit onstage for a couple songs...pretty cool pretty cool. but here comes the best part...i was only joking when i said he should put me on his shoulders but he got down, all the way to the ground and picked me up on his shoulders until the end of the concert. if only we were 5 feet ahead of where we were i wouldve shaken her hand. i would have grabbed on and tried to make a conversation. this one guy actually walked up and gave her a boquet of flowers. after that i wanted to write her a letter and walk up there and give it to her. she came out for 2 encores....they were both totally planned. you could tell. and it bugs me that she acts like a couple things werent planned, but they TOTALLY were. but yeah...so after the show i got an autographed cd and her on tour poster. SHES SO GORGEOUS!(sp?) then we sat in the parking lot forever while everyone was playing their martina mcbride and my car stalled out of no where and i dont know how...? and thats about it??

gosh...it was such a great night. thnx baby. its still unbelievable to know she was just right there. it felt like i was listening to the radio but really it was her. when i put my cd in i thought the concert was still going. now to a good nights sleep

good night

what GRRRRREAT news

2004-08-10T02:18:27Z

im moving to ramona...booo!

i guess theres this house my parents liked and they put an offer down and today they accepted it. my mom is all excited thinking i know what shes talking about but every saturday they look at more houses and i dont know anything about them. they dont talk to me about it. its only 3 bedrooms...thats not big enough for my family. its a big house, but 3 bedrooms just isnt enough. we already know that but its what they want. i was reading about it and it seems nice but i still dont like it. im not going to go to ramona high school. im still going to go to MC. cause if i go to ramona, then i wont keep in touch with the people i actually talk to and i'll drift away from everyone and have to start a new life....and the people i dont even talk to, there wont be a chance to be friends again. and even people im not friends with, WHO KNOWS!! but im not going to rhs. im going to miss my pool...im going to have to paint my room all over again...im going to miss my christmas trees that i planted in kindergarten and are HUMONGUOUS(sp?)...im going to miss the yard i used to play softball in...im going to miss how everything is arranged in my house. its a whole new house and its only one story so its all going to be different. im going to miss going up and down stairs and im going to miss getting frustrated that i have to keep going up and down stairs. im going to miss having to yell from downstairs to upstairs-vice versa- for my parents...im going to miss the house that is my home! they couldve waited like they always planned, but i understand it'll be harder for my parents to get a loan when my dad retires. well...our yard is all produce. i dont know what all is there but i guess we're going to put in strawberries and corn. theres a chicken coup....we might get chickens. theres no horse stables but my dad wants a horse...maybe we'll put horse stables and get one? i dont know. i guess i have to look at the good things but i cant smile about it. i cant be happy like them. ramona is soo far. im bad at waking up early cause i always sleep for a half hour more, but if i sleep for a half hour more then i'll miss 1st period cause i'll have to drive so far. GOSH! im going to miss pissing off the neighbors across the street with the dune buggy...im going to miss going over those bumps...im going to miss everything, even the things i hate, about this house and this neighborhood and even...yes....this town called PQ. i have a dirt driveway(i think) and all the land is DIRT! that just seems ugly to me...kinda trashy too...i dont know if trashy is the word i want but thats what i used. sorry for all you people that have dirt as your yard...my mom loves having a garden so that stuff just doesnt look good to me. but i'll have strawberries? lemons? ORANGES?! im scared...dont make me go...

by the way...i just looked it up...and it'll take me 41 minutes to get to school. YES! it also said that some of the roads near my house arent paved....save me....

calibaby @ 2004-08-09T14:20:00

2004-08-09T21:22:45Z

THANK YOU

bridget, mike, jesica, lauren w, and whoever else was there. but i apologize i didnt want to talk when you got the chance cause i needed someone right then and there for me. im kind of selfish like that...sorry

what do you do when you try as hard as you can but you're efforts get you no where? where do you go from there?

im sorry

2004-08-06T22:42:04Z

sorry to all of you that read this everyday...i know you're sick and tired of it. so why read it everyday, thats what i wonder about. i write in here because no one wants to listen. or they do but they wont. i wonder why im not already dead. but i know why, im a freakin wimp. im too scared. but yet i sit and i think of all the different ways i can kill myself...just dont do it. i cant be happy and i dont think i ever will be. i dont want to take medication cause i dont want to be fake. im tired of the life ive lived, or at least the life ive lived here. i dont know what it was...all of a sudden i came here and i was a different person. am a different person. oh but wait, i do know what it is...i have no friends. i have no confidence. i dwell on the life i used to live and wished it was like that again. yeah, well those were my good years. why do you guys even try anymore? i mean, i cant be happy...so give up. i dont deserve anything i have right now...not one bit. i look around my room and what is in it that i deserve or what is in it that i still have? cause theres pictures of me and my friends....but i dont have friends. theres pictures of me and my boyfriend, but he says its all going down the shitter so i just about dont have that. i dont deserve anything my parents gave me cause...i dunno...cant explain it and i dont want it to be read. i dont deserve or have any of it. so what am i living for? what is my point in being here? all i do is fail every day...fuck up everyday....and wonder why im here. wonder why i do what i do. i mean, cause im fucking whipped, i cant stand up for myself, im a hypocrite, i say i care about people but looking back at it i really dont or else i got some fucked up way of caring about them, im not happy and probably never will be, im not healthy at all and i wont ever be...not even close, my body is always fucked up and even have to $75 a week for that, i cant keep my promises and i dont even know who i am. i dont know who i am. i know people talk about~oh well it'll take a long time to figure out who you are, thats what your whole life is for and blah blah blah. yeah, well at least you all have some type or idea about you. me....i dont know. i dont know who the true me is. ive never really fit in in life, and when i did, it was always a lie. im not meant to fit in. haha, as stupid as it sounds, today i sat and thought to myself that i should just be locked up in some crazy institution. locked up in one of those rooms where no one can talk to me, has padded walls and i get my food through a little hole in the wall. cause i cant do anything wrong there. i can bounce off the walls and that would be allowed cause thats why they have padding, so i cant hurt myself. i can scream as loud as i can and they wont think anything cause im in a mental institution. i can spend my life being alone...the way i should be. sorry to all of you this bothers, but hey....its me! lets see what else i can ramble on about...cause ya know, i got the time. ive got nothing to do. my boyfriend doesnt want to hang out with me during the day for some reason. i dunno...its confusing. i'll probably stay home tonight to cry and feel sorry for myself for some reason. man, my sister does an awesome impression of me. it was hilarious. i mean, if someone watched over my life and was able to act it out and exaggerate(sp?) they could do some serious stand up comedy. all you have to do is re-act what i do and you'll get people pissing in their pants. its quite a funny show. i mean, when i look back at it i laugh too, but its only cause when i look back at it im talking to my other sister and we laugh about how stupid i sounded. thats what my life is, one funny show. i dont mean for it to be that funny but its something i cant help. comes naturally i guess. its amazing how long people sit here and write in their journals. cause ive been going on for a half hour. sheesh! i think my biggest wish used to be that i wanted to be happy...but now i kind of think that i wish i could just get done with it. just kill myself...get the balls to do it. thats what i wish. sorry to all ive offended and to all that ive hurt here...thats all i can do to all of you is say sorry cause i know im just going to do it again and again. LOVE YA MUCH!

calibaby @ 2004-08-05T19:52:00

2004-08-06T02:55:05Z

i dont know why...but ive never been happy with what i have. never. i mean, dont get me wrong but im totally happy with having my boyfriend, having my family, having the friends that i do and are there for me. but even though i know they are there for me, im afraid they dont want to be...that they're tired of it. but i dont know, i havent met someone that cries as much as i do so i cant tell you if its annoying or not to have them always coming to me. but even though im happy with those things, im not happy that all those people that dont like me...dont like me. and i try with all that i have to get them to and even though i get shut down time and time again....cry night after night because of it....i keep trying cause i wonder why dont they like me? what did i do wrong? if i dont like the person because we've gotten in some fight and i know why they dont like me....i dont care about them. im talking about all the people that ive never really talked to...all the people i havent had one class with that dont like me. that feel its their duty to just dislike me or shut me down when i try and be nice. why cant you make everyone happy? i dont understand. ive paused to think, and i drew a blank. i dont know what to say anymore

calibaby @ 2004-08-03T12:46:00

2004-08-03T19:41:02Z

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	breath taking
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...	the only thing I desire
Your smell is...	refreshing
Your smile is...	hypnotising
Your love is...	eternal

Quiz created with MemeGen!